Yes I know how he feels to touch and hold. His skin sallow and smooth. His scars, his aches. The patch on the side of his left calf that hair won't cover. I know how he smiles when skin's touched with tongue, nose, breasts and how he flinches his left leg when tickled. I’ve felt his hands through my hair his fingers caress my breasts, the press of his mouth and tongue. The smack of a casual kiss, the firm shoulder rub, the gentle embrace, the patronising pat - I know him - all too well - the curve of his neck, back and thighs. The breadth of his shoulders, the firmness of his biceps the slender lines of almost feminine hands and fingers. His, 'meeting you for the first time' face, his 'disapproving face' and the myriad of expressions that make him almost mercurial, looking different in every photograph and situation. I also know his selfishness, his moodiness, his casual whims that translate to psychological torture. He is a manipulator of great finesse.
I fear for him, I fear for us, I fear for his future. Women are attracted to him like a jar of flies but repelled in an instant. His sweetness on the surface, his temper unpredictable, his selfishness legendary, his insecurities so large that he will push away the very ones he wants to control, the very ones he wants to love. The women he chooses are all deemed 'crazy', he never makes the first move unless he's drunk, or if sober, preambled by panic attacks of low confidence, and they seem to slip through his fingers with incredible ease.
Yes I know him, he's my sweetest friend. I have difficulty letting him go. I am a jealous friend, but a friend. He feels nothing for me but resentment. I look at how to leave but can't. I love him, intensely. I am a co-dependent, emotional, irrational, venomous, toxic, filled with bitterness and vitriol and love and compassion, and probably insane but, I know him.
He wanted me to listen to a particular piece of music to write this but . . memories of my mother's piano flooded back. Even as a six year old, but I bowed to his will. And now, I'm angry, lost, depressed, weak, embarrassed, distressed, vulnerable. Controlled.